United Nations

hmmm.... it is a funny combination of words, whatever the intention had been, when first was created. two sides are killing one another and thousands of other who have no business in between are getting burnt, losing legs, eye sights, losing love ones, mothers who see their children and babies suffer, children who see their fathers and mothers suffer and yet these sacred whore called UN is incapable of even issuing a statement.
United Nations, what a combination of words. It rather implies that whoever has a problem, comes to me, we go a round for free and everyone would be satisfied (if you know what i mean). i wonder how we could call it UN when few have the power of veto? what is veto anyway? why it has been given to few? why not all have the power to veto? after all most of us and so called first world countries adn super powers, industrial countries, G8 or what the fuck ever one wanna call them are pondering and pursuing to bringing democracy to other countries, third world, under devloped or developing.
it is sad. it is insane. in no era i believe, human life had been so cheap and in hands of bunch of lunatics!

change has for a long while been an interesting subject to me. for that matter, i had put a lot of effort in that during past few years. most of what i have done for work, had been implementing new procedures, which is change.
i have recently got to read a bit more about alvin toffler and he has a great say. he says: "the illiterate of the twenty-first century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn."
what a definition. it made me to review those few years and it by far a better insight on why we iranians, who have been one of the pioneers of the new world and founder of presian empire, the first ones who had established human rights, are now in such state and position? one might argue that we had hanged a lot. from a monarchy to islamic republic. true probably that was the only change that people took part in it, but yet again, they stopped there and considered the job done, where in fact it was the beginning. what it has all to do with toffler's definition of illiteracy? well to me and the way is analyse it is that it is inability to change and let say-unlearn and re-learn that had put us in this situation. the fact that we want the world to revolve around what most of us (not all of course) as individuals know than what the world really is. we have the illusion that we are most clever, the most civilised, the most religious, the most everything and therefore we don't need to change. the ability to un-learn and re-learn is the ability to change and modify, to adjust with the newfound facts and better ways.
that's where we are falling apart. a glimpse at how our society behaves speaks for itself. the way we talk, the way most of us eat, the way we drive (how much respect for others and their peace of mind we have?), how well we work, how often we lie and talk behind others back, how often we cheat (and yet we claim god's watching over us and we are the pioneers of islam!)? how well the status of our schools and universities? how well organised our political parties and their rallies are?

friends

ignorance and complacency are very dangerous. they are scary. they make one forget the joys of life. i can recall how much i used to enjoy one simple apricot when i was a kid, or having cornflakes with banana for breakfast. i can remember that i was craving for years to have another braekfast like that at home. banana was a luxurious fruit during iran-iraq war. but then comes the time that i have all that and i can afford all that myself. great! but how soon we can forget the joy. one becomes complacent. and he/she practices that complacency over and over again until he/she is a totally different person.
i have to say that i am one suffering from ignorance and compacency, though i am trying to kind of re-boot myself and i have been good in that revision and again enjoy my cornflakes and banana breakfast, but it is very hurting to remember that i was complacent to my friends and ignoring them! i wouldn't appreciate their presence, support, being arond me and i couldn't have fun with them.
fortunately, i am enjoying my time with them again. i have to say i am feeling very lucky to have them. especially few who are very very especial. tey are so deep and so clever and intellectual that in order to be able to keep up with tem, i need to do a lot of work and learn a lot of things and yet everyday, they caught me by surprise on how deeper i should dig in order to get to know them and how far ahead they are. i remember the days that we have been looked at as the ones who only know how to throw the basketball!
i'm glad to be one of them. it is a great feeling.

a murderer that got away!

this name should always be remembered by |iranians, although i believe few have a clue of who he is and what had he done!
naval officer Captain William C. Rogers III

last night BBC had an interview with the Íngrid Betancourt Pulecio Colombian French politician, presidential candidate and anti-corruption activist who have been captured by FARC rebels in Colombia. her words were of interest to me, especially because she was a presidential candidate. meaning, had she been in office, she would have made decisions and would have influence on the affairs of the region and maybe rest of the world.
she was insisting on "talking" as a tool. she believes words should be the tool to resolve the conflicts. it made me furious! not that i encourage use of force and fighting with guns, but i do believe time for talking is over and we need action. peaceful and meaningful actions.
look at Gaza. everybody is talking, but does it really matter? no. while if those who were talking and have the power, like EU, UK instead of talking shit like condemning Israelis, had taken serious actions against the bloody murder, then maybe there was less bodies lying on the street crawling their way to the morgues!

just finished watching a programme "screamed bloody murder" by Christian Amanpour on CNN about genocide, starting with of course nazi's genocide of jews during world war ii, then later to cambodia where khemers rouge killed many of cambodians; then to bosnia, Iraq, somalia, rwanda and darfur. two side to the story, one the saddest part, which was the footage of mass killings. i was shocked to see the footage of concentartion camps set up for bosnian muslims by bosnian serbs. i was in total disbelife to see those images in europe.
the other side, were the people who tried to fight and bring the world's attention to the fact that genocide is taking place, some of which put their life on line.
one thing common between al genocides, was the lameness and greed of the world powers and how economic na financial drivers affected their decisions and how defenceless people pay the price of being "the other".
the most tuoching part were two, one the canadian UN commander "Roméo Antonius Dallaire" who refused to leave the rwanda despite HQ orders and was later dismissed for subordination, and a tutsi woman had forgiven her hutu neighbours and actually offered them meals and teaches the wife of hutu murderer how to weave basket, despite the fact that her husband and five children were murdered by the very same hutu neighbours.

i guess it was over right after it started. i can recall the days that i couldn't wait for her phone calls, a listen to a music, a bite out and home again.
i know exactly why it went that way. but i wonder why i kept up with it for longer? it sometime is even scary, how easy i adapt myself with the situation that i now, even back then, consider uneasy.
although i hardly regret my past and things i have done, but such experiences makes it harder to like someone, which makes life harder.

wake up young man, wake up
your love affair had been gone for ten long years;

today i did my defensive driving course. it was quite interesting as i got the chance to drive in tripoli and get a taste of what it is like. well i don't say it was like tehran, cause tehran is much better in that sense. however, i would put it this way, the density of the ones who drive like a total ass is much higher than in tripoli than tehran. i guess you could find them everywhere. i few places there are rare, some countries they common, in other countries they are the dominant breed!
i guess i give my instructor a bit of scare at the end as i had to steer pass a four wheeler as a lorry was ramming my way from behind and i had to miss him.
work is going forward slowly and it is frustrating, but i am hoping to have a good progress in two weeks time and see a great deal of work being done.
today i had a meeting with HSE guy and he was keen in implementing the HSE in Contracts. surprisingly, he was not updated about group's policy in HSE for Contractors, which means i aev to educate him on that as well, but at least he would tak a bit of load of bringin teh senior managers in line with the requirements of Supply Chain.
next week is the exams week. i have to pass them and i found out that i don't have one of the books and i can't have it at all. the problem was, that there's no indication on the website about it and i had the impression that it shud be on the CD that they had already sent me. it was not in that, andthen later they emailed me a whole document, which i found out later is the wrong one. so i really don't know what i do. i might have to cancel it! it would not be good.

yesterday i recevied my shipment from ten club, pearljam fanclub. it was good. a cd from Mad Season, eddie vedder's into the wild (OST of the film with same title), pearljam's unreleased and rarities double CD. it was a solace to a week that was as frustrating as it could be at work. plus my communicatoin with home has been impossible.
i had a tea on the office roof top with florence. she's quite switch on and knowledgeable. also very open. quite valuable attributes.
matthew, her husband is also here. he's a nice man. i can have a bit of chat with him as well. they will be in dubai end of january. so i hope i could make it too. it would be fun.

mad season was Barrett Martin (Screaming Trees - Drum; also skin yard), Layne Staley (Alice in Chains - vocals), John Baker Saunders (blues bassist by career; worked with hubert sumlin and sammy fender in chicago; 1954-1999) and Mike McCready (Pearljam - Lead Guitar; also mother love bone)

McCready met john baker saunders in rehab after pearljam released vitology, which later formed mad season.
Mad Season had released only one album, as sunaders died on heroin OD. followed by staley who died on OD of speedball (mix of coke and heroin).


long gone day lyrics

so much blood i'm starting to drown
runs from cold to colder
time to time the sky's come down
to help me lose my way
tears and lies for answers
you and open veins, god knows i'm gone
girl i just want you to
come on down

lord it's a storm and i'm heading to fall
these sins are mine and i've done wrong, oh babe
come on down

long gone day
whoever said
we wash away with the rain

see you all from time to time
isn't it so strange
how far away we all are now
am i the only one who remembers that summer
oh, i remember
everyday each time the place was saved
the music that we made
the wind has carried all of that away

long gone day
whoever said
we wash away with the rain

so many tears i'm starting to drown
the rain in heaven's all come down
silver spoons affix the crown
the luckless ones are broken
fears and lies for answers
you and open flames
god knows i'm gone
and i just want you to
come on down, hmmm

lord it's a storm and i'm heading to fall
these sins are mine and i've done wrong
i want you to, oh, i just want you to
come on down

i fear again, like then, i've lost my way
and shout to god to bring my sunny day

so real - jeff buckley

this is how a love song should be written and sung:

love, let me sleep tonight on your couch
and remember the smell of the fabric
of your simple city dress

oh... that was so real

we walked around til the moon got full like a plate
the wind blew an invocation and i fell asleep at the gate
and i never stepped on the cracks ’cause i thought i’d hurt my mother
and i couldn’t awake from the nightmare that sucked me in and pulled me under
pulled me under

oh... that was so real

i love you, but i’m afraid to love you

it's been a week since i came back to tripoli. the number of people who actually asked a how am i, is not more than fingers of a hand! that's how lonely you could feel. german called. my parents called. keyvan called to see if he could get my car from kami (accepted). he's a good lad. and two other emails. that's it!

i know my days are numbered. i will surely enjoy all that is left :D
looking forward to the days.

first friday. i had a late night by myself. just chilled. lot of facebook, TV in bed and biscuits and orange juice. it took me to my early days. i used to love biscuits and orange juice when i was a kid and in kindergarten. strange enough that today's lunch took me back to the first day of the school. or it was not first day but before schools actually started. yeah, now i remember. my dad took me to the school to how it is. i have vague memories of my kindergarten but i remember exactly where it was. strange!
anyways, my dad took me there and i met our school admin. i can't remember his name. but his face is like a shadow all over my memories. very vague but perfectly there. we had a canteen in st. louise elementary. i remember from the day one i was not the most popular kid. i guess i came to term with it later. i enjoyed being in the shadow. i always wanted to be part of a group rather than outstanding one. it gives me great pleasure to share the achievement with others. whether it was a winning a football game, few apricots, reaching to the top of the mountain or jumping in a swimming pool. but i also never waited for others. i had done my things and still doing them.
i got carried away! anyways, today i had spaghetti bolognese. i well remember that the day my dad took me to see the school, we arrived in the afternoon. for some reason, i had lunch there. maybe my father was doing the administration formalities in the admin office, or whatever i don't recall. but that day, i had spaghetti bolognese as well. today's meal was as tasteless as it was back then. but it was not bad at all. i kind of enjoyed it.

i don't see my childhood as a great one nor do i say it was a bad one. i guess, it was just the way it was. i am wondering why though. i was about to be held hostage at age 0f almost 6-7; my school bus was about to be burnt down by mojaheddin, then after revolution my dad was arrested and put in jail for a year, he was almost executed. but i can say i never said i wish it was another way. i wish it never happened or so! it is strange. i know that i never had that bond with my father, but still love him to pieces.
he suffered a lot but never learnt. i guess he most of all suffered, for he could never provide the life that he wished he would have lived as a kid. i know he had a tough childhood. he had to go to police academy, because he didn't have enough money to go to law school, what he really loved.
i mean, it would have been great if we had more money, but hey, it doesn't really matter to me. i think if i had his proper support i my sports i would have been more than happy. i never had that though.
what a piece today. i just went on and on. so un-focused! but it's a relief.

at last i have started what i always wanted to do. working on a music and making a short film. i spoke with halim who has recently brought to gether few people and they practice every wednesday in a studio in jumeirah beach road. i went there two weeks ago. i have to say that the guitarist and himself who play bass where quite good. and he practices a lot, which means he is serious. the fusion guy was ok i guess but he was not respecting the guitar player when he was doing his solo. for me, in blues (they play blues), solo is a solo, there shouldn't be additional noise at the back. and he was just murmuring with his saxophone. butthe wost part of the jam session was the drummer. he was ok in technic but he should have probably rehearsed for limp bizkit. blues to me is all about simplicity and purity. the way he played was just simply not fitting in. he excessively accossorised the whole tune and it was not nice. halim and the guitar player talked to him, but it appeared that he just won't get it.

the tuesday befiore i came, i had a short chat in a shisha house with alex. alex is a good friend but hardly seen, recently graduated from art school in UAE. he's a good photgrapher with good perspective and vision who can direct and has directed short films. he showed me few clips of his. quite impressive. and i also really liked his clip in his last show. the idea of short film goes bacl way bakc but it took me probably few years to find a convincing subject and idea to work on. the moment that the idea and subject came to my mind, there was no hesitation to think of alex to partner me in the project.
i discussed it with few and everyone seems so hyped that wanna help as well, which is a good sign. when i talked abou the initial details and how i intend to do that, he was interested as well. nima was also quite excited about the idea and teh whole concept. i guess i have already put a good team together.

so i am now working on the script and sequence one. i am so lookng forward to it. the first production, sounds nice.

today is the weekend. i have loads to do. go to LCM again. study, work on lyrics, work on study. it's good. maybe i go to my first libya house party too.
let see.

it's been my fourth day back in tripoli. dubai was quite interesting this time. i had fun and worked out of my project office, which was great time far from boss and colleagues. i heard that drama queen had also left the project. it was good news. i guess he should have been kicked out long time ago. and the lame ass as well. he's no good leader. he's not a leader in fact!
anyways, they are all now history. at least for a while.

dubai was interesting for i had time to appreciate it and reminded me of what i really have there and could still enjoy them a lot. my thing with maria never happened. it had been the hardest part. i could say it was depressing. i guess it was hard that it never really started. something went really wrong! i have an idea probably why. but i guess i never heard what was exactly going on in her mind.

more interesting was the email i received from an ex of mine! one day, i logged in my official email, and see an email from her from an attachment. really surprised. i wondered why would she send me an email. it was nice until later. anyways, it was an email with confidential info in it. well i had a look at it and as soon as i realised that it's restricted info i closed it and so to make sure if it was intended to be sent to me or not send an email back. hi there how r u etc... the reply was a total turn off though. i mean, for me even if my archenemy do that i would be say thanks for notifying. please ignore that. it was the lamest email. it was both disappointing and a relief. disappointing for it could be otherwise and a bit mature. it was a relief, for it reminded me that i am so happy not being with her or hearing from her anymore.

the belgian beer cafe was awesome. i really love that place. but the problem with it is that i drink too much. well i guess after a month of non-drinking nights and being prisoner of LCM in tripoli, i am entitled to a week of wastedness. my sister was there with her boyfriend. it wasn't the first time she had her boyfriend around me, but the first time that she brought her boy friend to my house. he's a childhood friend. good man but i have my concerns about them, which doesn't really matter. at the end of the day, they are the one who have to decide on how they end up. together or separated.

the last day in lime tree cafe was so fun. i got into girly talk with naghme, newsha and negar!!! i served as the stand up comedian and we had so much laugh and fun. well they are sweet hearts and more importantly, easy to joke with and i can well serve as the devil!

weather i libya had been good so far. not too warm but humid, which is ok to some extends.

i am certain now that older women had a thing for me!!! of all the girls here, a god know 50 and how many years old woman showed interest on me! it is ok but ...

florence and matthew are the newly met people. quite nice. florence is married to another matthew who is a nice man and visits her once a month. so at least i have two people to bribe them for coffee breaks :D i have to move to LCM tomorrow again, which is a pity. i wished LCM was in the city and not so remote.

it's been almost two weeks now since i came to libya. it's nice in tripoli but unbearbly alone. its like a cell, which its walls are as far as forever.
although i managed to make friends and see people, even have wine in a dry country, but it seems it is not home. it's in ways better than dubai. less hectic, silent but so silent that if it was anything live, you would think it's dead.
plus i cannot forget her. my dreams and thoughts are haunted by her memories. her image and soft voice are circling round my thoughts. makes it even harder to bear.
it's not something that i can forget.
as jibran khalil jibran puts it:
"it is not a cast i wear off today, it is my skin that i shall tear with my own hand"
and who's to tear his own skin?

indifference
by pearljam

i will light the match this mornin', so i won't be alone
watch as she lies silent, for soon light will be gone
i will stand arms outstretched, pretend i'm free to roam
i will make my way, through, one more day in hell...

i will hold the candle till it burns up my arm
i'll keep takin' punches until their will grows tired
i will stare the sun down until my eyes go blind
hey i won't change direction, and i won't change my mind

how much difference does it make

i'll swallow poison, until i grow immune
i will scream my lungs out till it fills this room
how much difference

how much difference does it make...

forever young - Alphaville

originally by Alphaville - the german pop rock from rhein. it was soon covered by laura branigan, and so many others to follow.

let's dance in style, let's dance for a while
heaven can wait we're only watching the skies
hoping for the best, but expecting the worst
are you gonna drop the bomb or not


let us die young or let us live forever
we don't have the power, but we never say never
sitting in a sand-pit, life is a short trip
the music's for the sad men


can you imagine when this race is won
turn our golden faces into the sun
praising our leaders
we're getting in tune
the music's played by the mad men


forever young, i want to be forever young
do you really want to live forever, forever, and ever?


some are like water, some are like the heat
some are a melody and some are the beat
sooner or later they all will be gone
why don't they stay young?


it's so hard to get old without a cause
i don't want to perish like a fading horse
youth is like diamonds in the sun
and diamonds are forever
so many adventures couldn't happen
today so many songs we forgot to play
so many dreams swinging out of the blue
we let them come true

forever young, i want to be forever young
do you really want to live forever, forever, and ever?

just finished gym. my last days in dubai, i guess. i will be away for few months. going to libya.
i was thinking whether i will miss it or not? well, no matter how i dislike dubai, i guess it has become my home!
i did a lot here, learnt a lot here, gained and lost a lot here. lost few friends and i will never have them back, one to cancer, 4 in car accident. i never really got over the fact that they are not with us anymore.
people taht i used to see everyday and haven't heard from them for ages. i guess neither of us really wanna hear from one another. i get to do the things that i always wanted to do and finding that they were not really what i thought it would be. i guess i am now more tolerant.
amazingly, after few very hard months, i somehow obtained a conmfort feeling about the hard days and for some reason that i don't really know why, i found peace with my problems, which is excellent.
all in all, it's been a great chance and i guess i used it well. happy that i came here.