so real - jeff buckley

this is how a love song should be written and sung:

love, let me sleep tonight on your couch
and remember the smell of the fabric
of your simple city dress

oh... that was so real

we walked around til the moon got full like a plate
the wind blew an invocation and i fell asleep at the gate
and i never stepped on the cracks ’cause i thought i’d hurt my mother
and i couldn’t awake from the nightmare that sucked me in and pulled me under
pulled me under

oh... that was so real

i love you, but i’m afraid to love you

it's been a week since i came back to tripoli. the number of people who actually asked a how am i, is not more than fingers of a hand! that's how lonely you could feel. german called. my parents called. keyvan called to see if he could get my car from kami (accepted). he's a good lad. and two other emails. that's it!

i know my days are numbered. i will surely enjoy all that is left :D
looking forward to the days.

first friday. i had a late night by myself. just chilled. lot of facebook, TV in bed and biscuits and orange juice. it took me to my early days. i used to love biscuits and orange juice when i was a kid and in kindergarten. strange enough that today's lunch took me back to the first day of the school. or it was not first day but before schools actually started. yeah, now i remember. my dad took me to the school to how it is. i have vague memories of my kindergarten but i remember exactly where it was. strange!
anyways, my dad took me there and i met our school admin. i can't remember his name. but his face is like a shadow all over my memories. very vague but perfectly there. we had a canteen in st. louise elementary. i remember from the day one i was not the most popular kid. i guess i came to term with it later. i enjoyed being in the shadow. i always wanted to be part of a group rather than outstanding one. it gives me great pleasure to share the achievement with others. whether it was a winning a football game, few apricots, reaching to the top of the mountain or jumping in a swimming pool. but i also never waited for others. i had done my things and still doing them.
i got carried away! anyways, today i had spaghetti bolognese. i well remember that the day my dad took me to see the school, we arrived in the afternoon. for some reason, i had lunch there. maybe my father was doing the administration formalities in the admin office, or whatever i don't recall. but that day, i had spaghetti bolognese as well. today's meal was as tasteless as it was back then. but it was not bad at all. i kind of enjoyed it.

i don't see my childhood as a great one nor do i say it was a bad one. i guess, it was just the way it was. i am wondering why though. i was about to be held hostage at age 0f almost 6-7; my school bus was about to be burnt down by mojaheddin, then after revolution my dad was arrested and put in jail for a year, he was almost executed. but i can say i never said i wish it was another way. i wish it never happened or so! it is strange. i know that i never had that bond with my father, but still love him to pieces.
he suffered a lot but never learnt. i guess he most of all suffered, for he could never provide the life that he wished he would have lived as a kid. i know he had a tough childhood. he had to go to police academy, because he didn't have enough money to go to law school, what he really loved.
i mean, it would have been great if we had more money, but hey, it doesn't really matter to me. i think if i had his proper support i my sports i would have been more than happy. i never had that though.
what a piece today. i just went on and on. so un-focused! but it's a relief.

at last i have started what i always wanted to do. working on a music and making a short film. i spoke with halim who has recently brought to gether few people and they practice every wednesday in a studio in jumeirah beach road. i went there two weeks ago. i have to say that the guitarist and himself who play bass where quite good. and he practices a lot, which means he is serious. the fusion guy was ok i guess but he was not respecting the guitar player when he was doing his solo. for me, in blues (they play blues), solo is a solo, there shouldn't be additional noise at the back. and he was just murmuring with his saxophone. butthe wost part of the jam session was the drummer. he was ok in technic but he should have probably rehearsed for limp bizkit. blues to me is all about simplicity and purity. the way he played was just simply not fitting in. he excessively accossorised the whole tune and it was not nice. halim and the guitar player talked to him, but it appeared that he just won't get it.

the tuesday befiore i came, i had a short chat in a shisha house with alex. alex is a good friend but hardly seen, recently graduated from art school in UAE. he's a good photgrapher with good perspective and vision who can direct and has directed short films. he showed me few clips of his. quite impressive. and i also really liked his clip in his last show. the idea of short film goes bacl way bakc but it took me probably few years to find a convincing subject and idea to work on. the moment that the idea and subject came to my mind, there was no hesitation to think of alex to partner me in the project.
i discussed it with few and everyone seems so hyped that wanna help as well, which is a good sign. when i talked abou the initial details and how i intend to do that, he was interested as well. nima was also quite excited about the idea and teh whole concept. i guess i have already put a good team together.

so i am now working on the script and sequence one. i am so lookng forward to it. the first production, sounds nice.

today is the weekend. i have loads to do. go to LCM again. study, work on lyrics, work on study. it's good. maybe i go to my first libya house party too.
let see.

it's been my fourth day back in tripoli. dubai was quite interesting this time. i had fun and worked out of my project office, which was great time far from boss and colleagues. i heard that drama queen had also left the project. it was good news. i guess he should have been kicked out long time ago. and the lame ass as well. he's no good leader. he's not a leader in fact!
anyways, they are all now history. at least for a while.

dubai was interesting for i had time to appreciate it and reminded me of what i really have there and could still enjoy them a lot. my thing with maria never happened. it had been the hardest part. i could say it was depressing. i guess it was hard that it never really started. something went really wrong! i have an idea probably why. but i guess i never heard what was exactly going on in her mind.

more interesting was the email i received from an ex of mine! one day, i logged in my official email, and see an email from her from an attachment. really surprised. i wondered why would she send me an email. it was nice until later. anyways, it was an email with confidential info in it. well i had a look at it and as soon as i realised that it's restricted info i closed it and so to make sure if it was intended to be sent to me or not send an email back. hi there how r u etc... the reply was a total turn off though. i mean, for me even if my archenemy do that i would be say thanks for notifying. please ignore that. it was the lamest email. it was both disappointing and a relief. disappointing for it could be otherwise and a bit mature. it was a relief, for it reminded me that i am so happy not being with her or hearing from her anymore.

the belgian beer cafe was awesome. i really love that place. but the problem with it is that i drink too much. well i guess after a month of non-drinking nights and being prisoner of LCM in tripoli, i am entitled to a week of wastedness. my sister was there with her boyfriend. it wasn't the first time she had her boyfriend around me, but the first time that she brought her boy friend to my house. he's a childhood friend. good man but i have my concerns about them, which doesn't really matter. at the end of the day, they are the one who have to decide on how they end up. together or separated.

the last day in lime tree cafe was so fun. i got into girly talk with naghme, newsha and negar!!! i served as the stand up comedian and we had so much laugh and fun. well they are sweet hearts and more importantly, easy to joke with and i can well serve as the devil!

weather i libya had been good so far. not too warm but humid, which is ok to some extends.

i am certain now that older women had a thing for me!!! of all the girls here, a god know 50 and how many years old woman showed interest on me! it is ok but ...

florence and matthew are the newly met people. quite nice. florence is married to another matthew who is a nice man and visits her once a month. so at least i have two people to bribe them for coffee breaks :D i have to move to LCM tomorrow again, which is a pity. i wished LCM was in the city and not so remote.

it's been almost two weeks now since i came to libya. it's nice in tripoli but unbearbly alone. its like a cell, which its walls are as far as forever.
although i managed to make friends and see people, even have wine in a dry country, but it seems it is not home. it's in ways better than dubai. less hectic, silent but so silent that if it was anything live, you would think it's dead.
plus i cannot forget her. my dreams and thoughts are haunted by her memories. her image and soft voice are circling round my thoughts. makes it even harder to bear.
it's not something that i can forget.
as jibran khalil jibran puts it:
"it is not a cast i wear off today, it is my skin that i shall tear with my own hand"
and who's to tear his own skin?

indifference
by pearljam

i will light the match this mornin', so i won't be alone
watch as she lies silent, for soon light will be gone
i will stand arms outstretched, pretend i'm free to roam
i will make my way, through, one more day in hell...

i will hold the candle till it burns up my arm
i'll keep takin' punches until their will grows tired
i will stare the sun down until my eyes go blind
hey i won't change direction, and i won't change my mind

how much difference does it make

i'll swallow poison, until i grow immune
i will scream my lungs out till it fills this room
how much difference

how much difference does it make...

forever young - Alphaville

originally by Alphaville - the german pop rock from rhein. it was soon covered by laura branigan, and so many others to follow.

let's dance in style, let's dance for a while
heaven can wait we're only watching the skies
hoping for the best, but expecting the worst
are you gonna drop the bomb or not


let us die young or let us live forever
we don't have the power, but we never say never
sitting in a sand-pit, life is a short trip
the music's for the sad men


can you imagine when this race is won
turn our golden faces into the sun
praising our leaders
we're getting in tune
the music's played by the mad men


forever young, i want to be forever young
do you really want to live forever, forever, and ever?


some are like water, some are like the heat
some are a melody and some are the beat
sooner or later they all will be gone
why don't they stay young?


it's so hard to get old without a cause
i don't want to perish like a fading horse
youth is like diamonds in the sun
and diamonds are forever
so many adventures couldn't happen
today so many songs we forgot to play
so many dreams swinging out of the blue
we let them come true

forever young, i want to be forever young
do you really want to live forever, forever, and ever?

just finished gym. my last days in dubai, i guess. i will be away for few months. going to libya.
i was thinking whether i will miss it or not? well, no matter how i dislike dubai, i guess it has become my home!
i did a lot here, learnt a lot here, gained and lost a lot here. lost few friends and i will never have them back, one to cancer, 4 in car accident. i never really got over the fact that they are not with us anymore.
people taht i used to see everyday and haven't heard from them for ages. i guess neither of us really wanna hear from one another. i get to do the things that i always wanted to do and finding that they were not really what i thought it would be. i guess i am now more tolerant.
amazingly, after few very hard months, i somehow obtained a conmfort feeling about the hard days and for some reason that i don't really know why, i found peace with my problems, which is excellent.
all in all, it's been a great chance and i guess i used it well. happy that i came here.

PM to warn Iran in Knesset speech

Britain is determined to prevent Iran developing nuclear arms!
the language barrier seems to be a serious problem. apparently the English that we speak is different than the ENglish that he speaks. i mean apart from the accent (which of Mr. Brown is quite appropriate and proper) the meaning of the words are also different.
while Iranians say "We are not developing Nuclear Weapons" the read "We are developing nuclear weapons"!
Ah, such a Israely ass licking pussy this Mr. Brown is. i wonder if anyone tells him that you are missing the NOT dumb ass!

strangely, as the time passes, there are few things that come and go round a circle, even if you had you push them away. relationships, people, situations at work. it makes me wonder why, and vaguely it appears to me that it's a pattern of uncertainty within one's self - here it's me - which results  to repeating the same mistakes, making the same decisions in the same situations and end up with the same result. in the mean time, it's all different experience! 

however, there's no resistance to the stop the circle. it could be for complacency, it carelessness; but it seems more like a joy in a masochistic fetish for thrill of pain and the ride on the circle! and taste of revenge that could from time to time be sweet.

on every street - dire straits

for me, the outro of this song can go forever, just like stairway to heaven, and few others. it's also kind of a painfully blue song, which resembles my story for me. still seeking for the what i had lost and never found again!

on every street

there's gotta be a record of you some place
you gotta be on somebody's books
the lowdown - a picture of your face
your injured looks

the sacred and profane
the pleasure and the pain

somewhere your fingerprints remain concrete
and it's your face i've been looking for on every street

a ladykiller
regulation tattoo
silver spurs on his heels
says, what can i tell you as i'm standing next to you
she threw herself under my wheels
oh it's a dangerous road
and a hazardous load
and the fireworks over liberty explode in the heat
and it's your face i've been looking for on every street

a three-chord symphony crashes into space
the moon is hanging upside down
i dont know why it is i'm still on the case
it's a ravenous town
and you still refuse to be traced
seems to me such a waste
and every victory has a taste that's bittersweet
and its your face i've been looking for on every street

Vendetta

Vendetta
A fortified tower used as refuge for men involved in a blood feud that are vulnerable to attack. Thethi, northern Albania.Originally, a vendetta was a blood feud between two families where kinsmen of the victim intended to avenge his or her death by killing either those responsible for the killing or some of their relatives. The responsibility to maintain the vendetta usually falls on the closest male relative to whoever has been killed or wronged, but other members of the family may take the mantle as well. If the culprit had disappeared or was already dead, the vengeance could extend to other relatives.
Vendetta is typical of societies with a weak rule of law (or where the state doesn't consider itself responsible for mediating this kind of dispute) where family and kinship ties are the main source of authority. An entire family is considered responsible for whatever one of them has done. Sometimes even two separate branches of the same family could come to blows over some matter.

more on:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vendetta

iran is playing UAE, i hope boys kick some serious ass :D

it feels it's been a decade since last time i wrote anything. it's interesting how things trn out to be and these reminders that hits you like a rock had hits you in the head and leaves you feel dizzy and senseless for a long while.
just when i was thinking that life can't be better and everything is going to be fine, things turn out in a way, by what has made my life so interesting, that i wished i never existed!
it's perplxing and confusing, meanwhile i feel blissed to have gotten out of it sooner rather than much later. it's sad though, very sad.

the hardest day

today has so far been the hardest day of my life. harder than the time my father was in prison, harder than the time i carried my sister on my shoulder to rush her to hospital, more scared than the time i was about to die in avalanch.
i don't see myself live that long. probably a bit more than last of my parents. i guess i had made up my mind on this one. i don't see life worth all these suffer.

hands all over - soundgarden

an environmentally conscious song from louder than love album. third album which was in fact the basis of the next successful album bad motor finger. the song is very simlpe and basic; one riff and one note as kim tahyl himslef explains. i like the simplicity of the song. it's pointing to us humans and what we are doing to mother nature!

hands all over

hands all over the eastern border
you know what?
i think we're falling from composure
hands all over western culture
ruffling feathers and turning eagles into vultures

got my arms around my baby brother
put your hands away
your gonna kill your mother, kill your mother
and i love her

hands all over the coastal waters
the crew men thank her
then lay down their oily blanket
hands all over the inland forest
in a striking motion trees fall down
like dying soldiers

got my arms around my baby brother
put your hands away
your gonna kill your mother, kill your mother
and i love her

hands all over the peasants daughter
she's our bride
she'll never make it out alive
hands all over words i utter
change them into things you want to
like balls of clay
put your hands away
your gonna kill your mother
and i love her

i want out!

a note on a suiciadal tendency

i have been really depressed lately. sometime i wonder whether it ever ends? lost a good friend to cancer lately and another not that close but yet someone i knew in a week. headaches, sleepless nights, loss of concentration, dizzy & dim images at night while driving. i can feel it had crept within me.
not even wakebaording and going out on the water clears my head. i need winter to come wash all these away. i hope i get to meet the winter. well, someone said friends will be friends, when you are in need of love and affection. well mr. mercury, i have to say you really suck and you are way too optimistic. not even the ones that say they care about you and they love you will be friends once they see that you are a burdon, what you are is not what they expect or they are having fun somewhere else. they hardly remember you. i'm sure in a few months time they wouldnt even remember i have been there before.