tales of the city - jigsaw will never fall into place!

it was around 6:30 when he left the office building. it's located right across the subway station, where he takes the tube to work and back everyday. an office on top of a building with a panoramic view to the city, specially a clear view to his favourite mountain peak at the north of the city.

he took the same path he used to take everyday to the subway station. he had jigsaw falling into place by radio head on, in his i-pod, listening to music just as any other day. same paddlers and dealers had their stuff showing on the ground. maybe same people were walking by.

though, that day was somehow different! he came across a little girl, selling small packs of tissues. 8 maybe 9, with her glasses on and a girly dress in pink and white. just behind her was probably her wimp mother, cover in a dirty black cloth, offering a scale for people to weigh themselves. maybe a reminder of their miserable life.

it stroke him like a hammer.

"...just as they play your favourite song
as your bad mood disappears..."

a sudden rush of thoughts made his mood disappear. the thoughts about the little girl's life! "what is her joy? how does she have fun? does she own toys?" the little girl didn’t seemed to care that much though and she was playing with a bag of small packs of tissues. what she had to sell. a head ache, for millions of thoughts rushed through his head. he wondered about the compassionate and the merciful?
he wished for the power to change her life. give her a better life. he thought " such a wishful thinking! one cannot even find it in happy ending fairy takes these days." yet he was not sure if he had the power to change things, she would be happy. he felt mad at himself and helpless feeling.

he then continued on. he felt like the time was no passing as it's supposed to and each step seemed like an hour. all in slow motion. he was now realising the details that he had never known before. details of despair and pain, hopelessness within the face of the people, whether the illegal merchants or passer bys. the boys the girls. sometimes but rarely, smiles and laughters.

"...before you run away from me
before you're lost between the notes
the beat goes round and round..."

the next one caught his attention was that young fit man selling sunglasses. quite in shape. "he couldn't be just another random seller" he said to himself. "he just doesn't fit in here!" he wondered why he's there, although he had his guess. "money... why else? living is not easy in this town." “this guy could be a fitness instructor” he thought. and he suddenly remembered the recent comments of buffoon Il Presidente! “people live happy in this town!” a feeling of rage filled him within.

he never found the courage to start a conversation and he continued on. he in fact was a chicken in starting conversations!

as he approached the stairs he noticed that the young man who used to sit there and sells maps of the city is not there. he felt a vacuum within his life. a surprising vacuum! “why should i feel this way?” he wondered. he then realised that there was no more of the telepathic conversations with the boy. he missed him there. just as if the monument of freedom was stolen from city square, he was stolen from that place and moment. he felt robbed.

"... come on and let it out ..."

he wanted to scream. scream his name but he wouldn't know that! after all conversations were all up in his head. mute and silent! those conversation wouldn't fit in words or limits of his courage.
“where are you my friend?” he whispered. he felt a failure, for all the promises he made to the boy but could never fulfill them. all those promises have become all but nonesense. he had to move on and get out of that torturous moment.

so he did and there was the elderly man who sells religious tablets. all kinds of prayers, verses from holly book for the lost souls. a saviour sent from heaven!
he’d known the elderly for a year now. longer than anyone there. the very first day that he came back home and went to the office the elderly was there, standing with his merchandise next to office building's steel barriers.
at first, elderly presence was like a support to him filling the boys vacuum, until the moment he looked closer at old man's face. the same hopelessness he was struggling through that day with an additional tiredness. he was looking for something different in the existence of that man. someone who has experienced a lot and knows how to treat the ups and downs of life. instead, he found nothing but pain. a pain that he himself had partly transferred to the elderly and other merchants there. the pain of a better life style, at least on the surface.

"... jigsaw falling into place
there is nothing to explain
you eye each other as you pass..."

it all was a familiar experience on a whole new level. effigies of hopelessness and despair. an illustration of the helplessness he had been feeling for long time. it was painful.
he couldn't do a thing to help them, to wipe off the misery. so he continued suffering with them. after all all he had in his pocket was a credit to get in the subway train, to get home. nothing more. not even a dime!

"... wish away the nightmare ..."

he had a moment of silent with himself. suddenly, everything was blank. and he could paint them in the way he wanted to. in that moment, everything was different.

"... jigsaw's falling, ... into place ..."

experiencing the power to change things was sweetest taste he had for long time. though not long lived.
he snapped out of the moment as a passer by hit him in shoulder and realised nothing had changed. just as bitter as it was. and he couldn't explain a thing, just as it was in the song. the difference with song was that the jigsaw never falls in place here.